Yup, looks like Axis now has a journal.

I guess it's been ANOTHER long while, huh? I'm not dead... I just... Keep disappearing. >_> BUT that's because I haven't had internet (that's been working) for the last month, or so, but that's been resolved now. ...For now, anyways. Comcast is a serious pain in the ass.

I don't have time to write that much right now, but I'll get around to it really soon here.

Also, I met one of the creators and producers of "The Little Mermaid", "The Lion King" and a lot more Disney classics on Thursday afternoon; Peter Schneider. Shook his hand and got his autograph, too. Pretty awesome, huh? XD If you ever get the chance to see "Waking Sleeping Beauty," WATCH it; it will change how you look at Disney Animation. Anyways, life's been getting hectic lately, so sorry if I haven't been around much. I'm starting up with a small group to create an actual video game next week, so that will take a LOT of my time. That, and I'm going for an internship at Mind Fuse Games as an asset/environment modeler.

Life's getting pretty busy, but I promise, I'm still writing! I'm actually thinking of making a new FFN account to post up the stuff I've written but can't post. We'll see. Anyways, I'll be back soon. Wish me luck!

- Ryan/Axis out.

2009 is flying like a blur in the wind. So fast, and with so much to do, so many thoughts in my head, and so many emotions all whirring together at once, I'm not sure I can handle it. Or, how I've managed it thus far.

The time since this year has started, I've been through much. A lot of pain, and a little bit of happiness. I still can't find that balance, it seems.

I just finished seeing Pixar's newest masterpiece "Up," and besides it being a brilliant film, it got me thinking. It got me thinking about a lot of things. If you've seen the film, you'll know what I'm talking about, but if you haven't yet, I won't spoil anything. Essentially, the first few minutes of the film we are greeted with the main character as a young boy, meeting a girl about his age, and falling completely in love with her. We see them laugh together, cry together, watch their lives pass as they grow older together, sharing this bond so strongly because it had its seeds planted in the magical time of their childhood.

And I was reminded, that was me when I was a child, sharing those magical moments, and the painful ones, with the one person I truly loved.  A couple months ago, I said "Goodbye" to that person, after nearly twelve years of this love, because of something that happened between the two of us that words couldn't fix. I didn't want to. It took me nearly two hours to say those words that I had conjured up in my head, and even then, it was barely even more than a few stutters. But those words were said, and we said goodbye, hanging up the phone on that part of our lives.

I miss this person so much. I thought that, that by this time, I would have been able to pick myself and carry on with making my dreams come true, but this person isn't there. I have friends and family that I love and hold dearly to me, but there's still this big gaping hole deep inside me. I feel hollow inside everyday, and lonely, even when it may not appear as such. This hole was once filled by this person, talking with them on a constant basis, leaning on one another for support, and the love we shared for one another and showed through our own actions.

There isn't a single day that goes by where this person is not in my mind in some shape or form. They've even made their way into my dreams during certain nights. Those are the nights where I toss and turn in my bed, hoping that I'll fall asleep soon. It could be the instant I wake up in the morning, or in the middle of a class or during work, or even when I'm watching a movie with my friends (such as tonight). Sometimes the lonlieness I feel inside is unbearable, and other times, I can ignore it and get on with my business. But every day, I miss the connection we shared from our childhoods, keeping each other wake until 6 in the morning with the sounds of our own laughter.

Disney even has a new 2D film, "The Princess and the Frog" coming out soon, that I would love nothing more than to see with this person, because I know how much they are in love with Disney films.

But I don't think this person needs me, anymore. I think they are happy now, with the way events turned that caused all this in the first place. And I'm glad this person is happy. I love them, and I'm glad that their life is joyous and filled with others that can give them that support, even when I'm not in the picture. But the same can't be said on my end.

A few weeks ago, I turned 20. The big 2-0, though I don't feel any different than I have for the last year now. As I reflect, I notice all the changes I've been through, all the pain I've experienced, what I've learned, and what I've accomplished, which (I think) is a pretty big list. I've made both my first 2D and 3D animations, have become a better 3D modeler and texturer, and am even learning a game engine. Needless to say, I've grown a lot in the last year. And I wish I could've been able to share all of this with this person, in person. Perhaps I'll never be able to get over them, and the memories we've shared since childhood. Maybe this is how it will be for the rest of my life.

Who knows? I suppose only time can tell. I suppose the way I handle my problems is what's causing this in the first place. At any time, I could give this person a call, and try and patch things up to be the way they used to be, but another part of me says that, that will never work. And I think it's that part of me that keeps me stuck in the past actions that caused all of this a year ago. What's happened has happened, and there's nothing I, or anyone else can do, that will change that, but that doesn't change the fact that even after all this time, it still hurts like hell. Each and every day.

But still, this person is happy now, and I'm glad they are. Perhaps soon, some of that will sprinkle down on me, and I can wake up with a smile, rather than a grunt that says "What's the point?"

I'm sorry for all the bitchiness/moan factor this entry has again. I guess that part of me hasn't changed, huh? XD 

In the words of my favorite musician:

"Your face, it dances, and it haunts me.
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears.
I still find pieces of your presence here,
Here, even after all these years.

And if I lived 'till I was 102,
I just don't think I'll ever get over you."

Here's a video that pretty much sums up what I've been going though; you guessed it! It's that song! XD
www.youtube.com/watch

ANYWAYS, yeah. It's been a pretty rough time for me lately, but all the work I've been getting has helped keeped me busy and focused on other things. To my friends, I'm sorry I'm not on MSN that often to talk with you guys. I can't keep making hollow promises that I'll be on more often, since, well... That never seems to happen. But I'll be on when I'm able, and believe me, I miss talking to you guys.

- Ryan (Axis) out

So, I just realized it's been over four months even longer since being able to update my fics since I've written anything here. Needless to say, I've been through a LOT in the last few months, and still continue to go through things, as well as drowning in work. I'll write something here soon when I have the chance.

But until then, I'll just leave this here to prove to everyone and myself especially   that I'm not dead.

... Yet, anyways.

It's been a while again  since I've written anything in this... And I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year, and I hope your New Years celebration was safe and fun if you did celebrate. And I just want to say that cinnamonical  and dantaron rock the house. Seriously, you two are awesome, and sorry if I haven't been on MSN as much as I would like to be... Though, I'm trying to fix that!

Wow, I can't believe it's over. This year just seemed to draaaaaaaaaag by for me, but I'm glad to know that now it's only a thing of the past. 2008 was the worst year of my life, and while there were some good things about it, for the most part, it's a year that I just don't want to waste time thinking about any longer. Dealing with depression and heartbreak while balancing school life, social life, work, and money issues all at once was something that pretty much took me by surprise, and I'm thankful that I've made it as far as I have. Thanks to my family and friends, I've had the strength to make it through the last few months, though, there were many times where I wanted to quit, and throw in the towel.

Another quarter has gone by at the Arts Institute for me, and now, I can't belive I'm half-way through it, already. It was the hardest quarter so far that I've had to deal with, and with the above mentioned problems that I've been dealing with present, it didn't make it any easier. But I made it through, and surprised even myself with the results. Statistics was the worst class of this quarter, and let me tell you, I had never been so afraid of failing a class before this one. The subject matter was insanely difficult for myself (someone is NOT good with numbers), and it didn't help that our instructor BARELY spoke English. But I made it. And with a C+, even! Seriously though, I'm VERY proud of my accomplishments this quarter at school, since I didn't think I'd be able to pull through:

Creative Writing: A-
Statistics: C+
3D Animation: A
Hard Surface and Organic Modeling: A-
Storyboarding for Animation: A

It's not like this quarter wasn't hard enough, but near the end of it all during finals, I practically lived at my school, getting there at about seven or eight in the morning, and working there until about 11 or 12 at night for nearly two weeks straight. It was HELL. I have my schedule for my next quarter (which starts on the 12th), and though it won't be a cakewalk, either, it won't be ANYWHERE as bad as this quarter:

Materials and Lighting, Mon 8-12pm
3D Character Rigging, Mon 6-10pm
Background Design and Layout, Tues 8-12am
3D Camera Techniques, Wed 8-12pm
Modern Art, Wed 1-pm

... Yeah, I'm gonna be pretty busy, again. But enough about school! I hope everyone's holidays were happy and cheerful. I went back home after to school to be greeted with some more money problems with my family, but at least Christmas was great; had our usual party at my grandmother's house with all of the family on my dad's side of the family. Presents-wise, there wasn't much I received or could give to others, but that's not the point of this holiday. Though... I DID get Animal Crossing on the Wii, so that was pretty awesome! XD Oh yeah... I'm now OFFICIALLY addicted to the Dragon Quest series; found a copy of the NES game and beat it, and I was fortunate enough to find DQVIII on the PS2 the other day for cheap, and, uh... Yeah.

So, I'm still fighting depression, but I've been getting stronger. I've been learning to pick myself back up, and with the help and support of my friends, I think I'll be okay. I'll leave this entry on a quote that helped get me through some really hard times by none other than Rocky Balboa:

"It ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward."

Here's to 2009 not sucking as bad as 2008!

Wow, it's been quite some time since I updated this thing again, hasn't it? Geez...

Well, I guess I should fill in what's been going on for me in the last couple of months. Quarter four at the Arts Institute of San Francisco came and went, as usual, and aside from the tedious online classes and 2D animation work I had on my plate, everything was alright, school-wise. NOWHERE near as bad as last quarter, that's for sure. It was pretty awesome to see some of my drawings come to life, though, especially in the Final Project that was assigned: I had to create a 10-second animation. A LOT of work, but totally worth it. I guess I got a taste for what would be expected from me if I were to go the cartoon route? Well, let me tell you, I LIKED it.

It's my break, and unlike last time, unfortunately, this one only lasts a week. Next Monday I begin my FIFTH quarter (cannot believe it's been that LONG, already), and it's going to be hell. Creative Writing and Statistics shouldn't be TOO bad, but it's my 3D Animation and Hard Surface/Organic Modeling classes I'm worried about. I barely learned anything about Maya from my last instructor, and these two classes are really going to push me hard, so... I guess we'll see what happens with that, right? I also have a Storyboarding class with one of my most favorite, and most respectable instructors, too, so, that won't be a cakewalk, either.

Geez, this all really sucks when you're depressed, doesn't it? A lot of crap you have no choice but to face, and it doesn't help when you're feeling down yourself. cinnamonical and I were talking over MSN a while back about taking time off from classes, and to be honest, I've been SERIOUSLY thinking about her suggestions toward it. Lately, I've been having thoughts about leaving school for a bit, moving back closer to home, and getting a job and my own apartment with no real worries. It's not that I want to quit school per se, but there have been SO many things on my mind that I just can't seem to shake. And really, I want to be able to sort some things out before I venture even further out into the unknown.

But yeah, the idea of that has been sounding SO very appealing to me, as of late. I've been praying a lot lately, actually, and me being the non-religious type, that's a bit strange for me. Asking for strength to make it through the next day, hoping that when I wake up, everything will be back the way it used to be, back when I was happy, and hoping, just HOPING that all this pain and confusion would go away. It hasn't worked yet, but, I have to hope, right? That's about ALL I can do lately.

I've actually been using this time off to play videogames, which is a bit strange for me. Sure, I still consider myself an avid gamer, but not like I used to be. My brother and I both bought copies of "Crackdown," and we've been playing that together for TONS of hours straight. The other day, actually, I think we played it for about nine hours straight, then eight the next day, then about five hours the next. Needless to say, it's been a LONG time since I've played a game for that long. Picked up "Prey" for free, too, and that was a great game, as well. Got my mind off of a lot of things for the time I was playing it, but unfortunately, like ALL good things, it had to end.

I don't know. I think I'm just lost right now, and want nothing more than to find my way back. Or a way forward. Just something. I thought things were finally going to work out for me, that things were finally starting to go my way; like, life was a dream that I couldn't believe had become a reality. And now... Now everything just feels like a nightmare. And I want to wake up. I want to smile again, I want to laugh, I want to feel something other than this overbearing sense of depression that sits on me and follows me everywhere I go.

God, this post is so disguntingly bitchy/emo. Even for ME! I don't know, I guess when you've been feeling like this for so long, it just kinda takes control of you, in more ways than one, right? Anyways, that's enough of my complaining. I think I'll go watch the Simpsons right now; that usually cheers me up for the time being.

Happy Birthday from myself, I guess! Can't believe it's May 16th already... Erm, WAS... Geez, time flies, donnit?

It's been a while since my last entry... Both on LiveJournal and in real-life, but I can safely say it feels weird to think of myself as 19 now. One more 'til the big 2-0. O_o Things have been going well, I guess. School's been kicking my ass, what with storytelling, sculpting, and 3D-modeling, but I'm hanging in there. Next quarter will be SO much easier than now, so I'm looking forward to that. What else can I say?

I've done so much growing up in the last year. I graduated from high school, moved to San Francisco on my own for college, said goodbye to old friends and said hello to new ones, still hanging onto my family, struggled with my feelings of love, desperation, and depression, falling and constantly picking myself back up on more than a few occasions... So much has happened, and I'd like to think of myself as stronger because of it. As for the love thing... Well, it constantly plagues my mind, and at times, breaks my heart, but I always find myself saying I'm glad for that. If I'm capable of feeling that kind of sadness, than that means I'm TRULY human, right? You can never feel that kind of sadness unless you've experienced that kind of happiness, so for that, I am grateful.

But moving ON... Now it's time to write what presents I got! ^______^ This weekend, my family invited me back home to visit for my day, and I REALLY lucked out this year! Normally, I'm NEVER spoiled like this! Let's see: Scrubs, Season Six; Mario Kart Wii; The Complete Rocky Saga; F.E.A.R. Files on the Xbox 360; Ghostbusters 1&2; a CD/DVD Case, and $200 cash. Pretty sweet, huh? ^_^ Now, I'll just go get Zelda DS, The World Ends With You, Lost Odyssey, Crisis Core, and a couple of movies for myself, and I'll be SET! XD

Well, I don't know what else I can say... Other than I hope I can get all my homework done so I can have some time to relax this weekend. Though, I AM kinda psyched to sculpt my character "Axis." :3 I should probably get to sleep now... have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow!!!

Well, besides being absolutely pissed at the fact that I haven't been able to log into my FF.net account the last few weeks... I'm quite relieved that Spring Break is OFFICIALLY here. ^_^ Of course, me being the anti-social cretin that I am means that I probably won't do anything social until I'm back in San Francisco, but who the hell cares? I'm just glad to be on break.... Because I'm totally going to get my ass kicked when the next session starts in about two weeks.

BUT! There is good news... The AWESOME tempest_lavina is coming to visit me. And I'll be picking her up tonight in California, so I can't wait for that. I'm excited, yes, but for some reason... A little nervous. Not sure what that's all about. Although I have to admit, I'm a little worried about her going on the plane. See, she's never been on one in her almost-22 years of existence, and this afternoon, she took off on one for the first time, and has to make another stop in California before she gets out here to see me. I know she'll be fine, but... I can't help but worry sometimes. XD Chalk it up to spineless-ness and paranoia, I guess.

But yes, back to FF.net. Well, I've always thought that fucking place was bad, but you know what? When it hasn't been letting me into my own damn account for about four weeks straight, and no matter how much I bug the people there, it seems like nothing will be getting done. Which, again, is really pissing me off, considering I haven't updated any of my 'fics in seven months a while now, and when I FINALLY get the chance, it won't let me in. Figures, huh? Guess I'll go pester them again, or something.

Oh, yeah... It's Easter, isn't it? XD Whatever.

Okay, so I FINALLY had some time off, so I figured I'd play some videogames. I turned on my Xbox 360 and was like "Okay, I'm getting sick of shooters... Guess I'll play something adventurous." So I pop in Tomb Raider: Legend. Not remembering I'm online, I'm playing for a little bit, until I get a message from one of my friends saying "Heh heh... Getting a little virtual bom-chicka-wah-wah, I see!", and I'm like, "Okay, whatever."

So I continue playing for a little bit longer, when I get another message from another friend saying "DUDEOMGLARACROFTISSOHA3T!!". I shake my head and continue playing. And wouldn't you know it, about ten minutes later, I get FOUR OTHER MESSAGES from FOUR OTHER FRIENDS saying similar things. Including one from a female saying "I wish I had curves like her. ^_^ ... But I'm not complaining about the bust!"
So... WTF? Is me playing Tomb Raider in peace a little too much to ask for? Or am I some kind of pervert for liking that game? I don't know, but in the next ten minutes, I got killed by a leopard. Turned it off, and started writing in some of my fics.

... Which'll be up on FF.net soon, mind you. ^__^ FINALLY. Think I'll go play some Gears of War... since I guess that's a "real" man's game. Argh.

So, I figured I might as well make an entry in this thing.

Just got back from my trip visiting my lovely and dearest tempest_lavina all the way out in Oklahoma. Y'know... I'm starting to realize that you really don't know just how much you adore somebody until you have to leave them. It's been a rough time for me over the last couple of months, and she's been the only light in my life that helps keep me on my feet. And the last ten days I spent with her just flew by so quickly it didn't even seem real. Considering how most of my friends have either changed for the worst, or gone off to pursue their own lives, it's really nice to know I'll ALWAYS have her to talk to... though, I hardly ever get to see her in person anymore. So likely, the trip I took out there to see her was a magical one. Even now, it's kind of hard to write all this.

The second quarter of my school starts tomorrow, and this'll be interesting, considering they've already messed my schedule up ((moving a Tuesday morning class to Thursday afternoon? WTF?!)). So, I've gotta get in there and try to fix that... 'cause I don't exactly have the money to spend an extra day using the BART to get to school... Hopefully, this quarter will be a little easier than last... since I DON'T HAVE TO PAINT THIS TIME!! ... But now I have math. -_-

Just finished re-unpacking all the things in my apartment room, and now I await the next day to begin. Oi. I just remembered I have a bedtime again. XD Life really changes you in just three weeks of vacation, I guess. Shouldn't be hard to sleep though... since I'm living off about four hours of sleep. O_O Gotta be up at 6... ugh.

Well... at least when this quarter is over (( Do NOT wanna wait three months >_<)), Spring Break will be here, and if all goes according to plan, hopefully I'll be able to fly right back out there to bug the living crap outta her for a full three weeks. So that'll be fun. Of course... she DID say something about going to Disneyland out here in California first, and THEN going back out there to stay with her. It doesn't really matter what we do, so long as I get to be with her again. Ryan's starting to think he may BE in love...

... I'm just kidding, Glaci!! ^__^;; But seriously... I cannot WAIT to see her again. Methinks I should finally finish up my AJE post I've been working on... Hmm...

I have a new love. And her name is "Metroid Prime 3: Corruption." *huggles*

Mmm... it feels so nice to actually be playing teh Wii, again. S'been too long...

KTHX! *runs off to play some more*